There was a gust of wind passing through the branches of trees and the rapid rustling of leaves desperate to strike up a conversation with me to reveal the forthcoming pour-down of the clouds. If all that had happened 59 days back, I would cheer and dance to welcome the rain and the torrent of water streams running down the empty roads. But, as I witnessed the downpour from the mighty grey clouds recently, all I remembered was the day when India lost to New Zealand in the semi-final match of the Cricket World Cup, 2019 and how the rain had a hand in that.
I am that person who does not believe in miracles but somehow on that day after a very long time, I wished for one, dewy-eyed as it rained in Old Trafford. Not long before that, I remember discussing with my fellow cricket-loving friends how sure I was about India going to the final. But, the reality I had to face later was heart-wrenching. My last hope and practically speaking the only reason why I watch cricket nowadays is Dhoni. Though we were thousands of kilometres apart and he was unaware of my presence, I silently snivelled along with him to share his pain when he got dismissed and walked out of the ground, trying to keep it all together.
The grief was so deep that over the next few weeks after that painful event, I went through stages of anxiety. Many tried to convince me to let it go as that’s how any sport is. It comes with an equal share of wins and losses they said.
Today when I think about it with a clear mind, I feel what affected me a lot was to see someone like Dhoni go through such a hard phase in his life. The burden of that sorrow weighed on me, and I reached a stage where to shift the weight I wanted to blame someone or something. As the rain had already ruined many matches by then, instantly I blamed it all on the rain.
I kept saying to myself,
‘Had it not rained, then it would be different…
Had it not rained, then the play wouldn’t have been extended to the next day, and the players wouldn’t have lost focus on the game…
Had it not rained all those times in the tournament, then match points wouldn’t have been affected…
Had it not rained when India first encountered New Zealand in the initial grouping stage, India could have weighed New Zealand’s performance…
Had it not rained, this…Had it not rained, that…’
There seemed to be no end to the blame game I was playing.
I realised later that reality was something else. It was the lack of substitute opening pair and inconsistent middle order that cost India its match in the first place.
Despite all that, there seemed to be no end to the contempt filled in my heart against rain. My unreasonable apathy towards rain increased so much so that my post-match updates in the social media expressing my pain and prejudice says it all.
Now when I look back, it seems like I was grieving the loss of the Indian team and the agony Dhoni tried to hide as he walked out. Till date, I was unaware of the connection I shared virtually with the players I adore, especially Dhoni. I followed his journey right from the start, and somehow, his way of life on and off the field inspired me and made that connect possible.
Even today, I grieve for the loss of Indian team. Though the wound is not fresh like it was, it has not healed fully yet. Every day I reason with my emotions and keep myself distracted from anything and everything related to sports to heal. When I first heard about the concept that many grieve the loss of their favourite team or the end of a fictional character, I disregarded it like it was nothing without even considering the possibility of its existence. As I am going through the same phase, I understand the intensity.
In a way it was the rain that flew me among these clouds. Well, one day, when all these glooming clouds clear from my thoughts, I wish to savour the feeling and enjoy the droplets when it rains!
I received this tag from Rachna Parmar at Rachna cooks. It’s my pleasure to pass on this tag to Shalini Basiwala at Shalzmojo blog. There are 42 of us on this Blog Hop and it will be spread over 3 days – 6, 7, 8 September 2019. Do follow the #WordsMatter Blog Hop and prepare to be surprised!
Thats all for today folks. I sign off with a hope to see you soon!